I never thought it was possible that an awful trailer for a film could turn out to be better than the actual movie. But, as he seems to do in every film – whether as a wacky character, or in a wild costume, or just with his performance – Johnny Depp has stunned me yet again. “Mortdecai”, which Depp both produced and stars in, left me mortified.
Depp has, once again, typecast himself into his unique brand of quirkiness, playing a bumbling Brit with a bloody bothersome accent named Lord Charlie Mortdecai. He is an art aficionado whose latest “masterpiece” is his own mustache. Depp reportedly had multiple versions of it on set – no wonder it looks so ridiculously fake on screen.
The plot can be described in one sentence: Mortdecai learns that a famous painting has been stolen and he goes to great lengths, with his bodyguard and loyal manservant Jock (played by Paul Bettany) to get it back. There’s also a whole lot of nothing involving Charlie’s wife Johanna (Gwyneth Paltrow), a British inspector (Ewan McGregor) who’s had a crush on Johanna for more than two decades (somebody should tell him to move on while he still can) and a slew of others who want the rare painting for themselves. Jeff Goldblum plays one of them. He’s fresh-off of another “painting heist” comedy, “The Grand Budapest Hotel”. I wasn’t a big fan of Wes Anderson’s latest zany effort, but it’s an all-time classic compared to “Mordecai”.
The script was written by Eric Aronson, whose only previous credit is the 2001 film, “On the Line”, which starred Joey Fatone and Lance Bass. Enough said. The story runs around in so many circles, like a dog chasing its tail, and by the time we reach the end there isn’t one hint of satisfaction. Out of the 106 minute runtime there isn’t moment of enjoyment or quality. EVERYTHING is wrong, from the low-level plot, to the copycat “Monty Python”/ “Pink Panther”-esque lead character, the embarrassing supporting performances, humorless stunts and gags, and clumsy camerawork and editing. I didn’t laugh once, and the five other people in the theater were dead quiet as well.
As for Depp, it only took two months after his short, yet impressive performance as The Wolf in “Into the Woods”, to get him on back my list of least reliable actors in Hollywood. Hard to believe he, an everyone else involved in this mess, believed they were working on something anyone would want to see.
Shockingly, “Mortdecai” is based on a novel by the late Kyril Bonfiglioli, who was an art dealer. It had a much funnier title – Don’t Point That Thing at Me. But the novel was written more than 40 YEARS AGO! No wonder nothing about this version seems fresh or original. Slow, stale and so silly that it can’t be taken seriously, even as a farce, “Mortdecai” is the classic example of a movie project gone wrong and buried by a studio in the month of January. However, in this case, Lionsgate didn’t bury it deep enough. This not only belongs six-feet under, but with a high-rise built on top of it so there’s absolutely no chance it could ever see the light of day.
On The Official LCJ Report Card, “Mortdecai” gets an F. Even though we’re only four weeks into the year, it will be a serious contender for ‘Worst Film of 2015’ honors.
Running Time: 107 min.