Last June, Fox released the horror-action-drama “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. While it was an “out-there” concept, the movie worked. It was fun, exciting, creative and it took it’s seriously enough to be historically accurate (with that one, big exception).
Before it’s theatrical release earlier this year, MGM and Paramount had “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” sitting on the shelf for over a year. Star Jeremy Renner filmed it before both “The Avengers” and “The Bourne Legacy”. Rumors blamed the delay on MGM’s financial troubles and the 3D post-conversion. A better guess is the producers didn’t want “Hansel & Gretel” to open around the same time as “Abe Lincoln”, and after screening the film, they probably realized burying it in January was the smartest thing to do.
Renner plays Hansel and Gemma Arterton (from other recent fantasy/action failures such as “Clash of the Titans” and “Prince of Persia”) is Gretel. As the fairy tale goes, their parents abandon them in the woods as children. The pair then find a gingerbread house with a hideous witch inside. She captures them but they escape and burn her to death. Thus begins their lives as witch hunters.
Now older (and as the title card says “Many Years Later” because the writers apparently couldn’t come-up with a number), Hansel and Gretel are hired to come to a village where witches have been stealing young children. The leader of these wicked witches is played by Famkee Jansen, but most of the time she looks like a witch or, more accurately, an actress playing a witch (the make-up here is exceptionally weak). So the brother and sister team spring into action to save the kids.
Some of the action and special effects in “Witch Hunters” are passable and the intentional 3D gimmicks sort of work, but the rest of the film is a mess. And it starts with the story, which has no substance. The big mystery is supposed to be ‘why did their parents abandon them?’, but we’re not given any reason to care. And when we do find out late in the film it’s no surprise.
The majority of the movie is taken-up with dull fight scenes between the two heroes and a series of witches. And even the way the witches are killed is boring. Where’s Honest Abe and his ax when you need him? All of the characters are flat, except for a troll named Edward (not making this up) who appears about halfway through. We could have used more of Edward.
Renner and Arterton deliver corny dialogue that, I guess, was supposed to be funny. And they use modern-day phrases and speak without appropriate accents which, I guess, was supposed to be clever. Both attempts fail miserably. This movie was actually intended to be an action/comedy. Amazingly, Will Ferrell and Adam McKay are two of the producers. Good luck trying to spot anything genuinely funny in the entire film. It’s rated R for language, bloody violence and brief nudity.
On The Official LCJ Report Card, “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” gets a D+.
To sum things-up, watching this movie was a Grimm experience.