Hollywood is often blamed for churning-out too many remakes of old films and classic stories. Well, at least when it comes to this latest version of “The Three Musketeers”, Hollywood is in the clear – since this movie was produced by European studios and shot entirely in Germany. And this film is so bad that everyone in Hollywood and, in fact, every American citizen, should be happy that we had nothing to do with it.
As the movie begins the Musketeers are down on their luck, no longer needed because France is at peace. But that will soon change as villains start popping-up everywhere. There’s Milady, played by Milla Jovovich, a double-crossing, triple-crossing former love interest of one of the Musketeers; Britain’s evil Duke of Buckingham, played by Orlando Bloom, and even the Cardinal, played by Christoph Waltz is a bad guy. Each of them has their own plan to take advantage of France’s wimpy King and get the country into war so they can profit from it.
While this is going on the Musketeers are joined by a 4th member – D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman). He’s young and cocky and tries to bring the three veteran heroes back to life. That’s a lot of characters you’re thinking. And you’re right. Surprisingly, the three Musketeers themselves have supporting roles in this story, as director Paul W.S. Anderson chooses to make D’Artagnan and all the villains the stars. This is more like a Three Musketeers sequel instead of a re-boot. The most we see of the original musketeers are in the swashbuckling, sword fighting scenes, which also happen to be the best parts of the movie.
Or I should say – the ONLY good parts of this movie. The rest of “The Three Musketeers” is a mess. The main problem is that Anderson didn’t know what type of movie he wanted to make – a campy, silly action/adventure? A serious period piece? A romantic comedy? A spy-mystery? “Musketeers” tries to be all of these and fails miserably on all accounts. I’m guessing the creators were going for the look and feel of the early “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies but man, did they miss the target.
The performances are terrible, but I blame the script more than the actors – though after “The Green Hornet” and now this, Waltz better be careful or the Academy is going to demand their Oscar back. Jovavich tweeted Friday that she was upset that Summit Entertainment, who distributed the “Musketeers” in the U.S., wasn’t doing enough to promote the movie. Instead she should be thanking the studio for keeping it quiet so not many people will see her slow motion, “Matrix”-type scenes which are laughable. And I kept waiting for Bloom’s silly beard to start falling-off. I think I could actually see the Velcro.
You have all these European characters yet none of them even tries a convincing accent. And the dialogue is perposterous, filled with cliches and modern terms. At one point one of the musketeers says he’s “sexy”. I doubt that was a common word back in the 1600’s.
You could call this movie – “The 3D Musketeers” because it was filmed entirely in 3D. But, as usual, the extra dimension is a waste, only adding a few cheesy shots of swords and cannonballs coming right at the audience. There’s not a creative visual in the entire film.
“The Three Musketeers” is rated PG-13 for the swordfighting violence and some language. Kids should not see it – not because it’s bad for them, simply because it’s bad. In fact, a much more entertaining version of this story for kids is the Disney animated movie starring Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy that came out on video in 2004. It has better writing, better acting and is a lot more fun. I’d even recommend adults watch that over this.
On “The Official Kid Critic Report Card“, “The Three Musketeers” gets a F. My advice for anyone tempted to rent/buy/watch this film? – “ALL FOR ONE…BUT NONE FOR THIS”.