There were some true masterpiece films in 2013, and even more epic failures. So many, in fact, that a few major disappointments (“After Earth”, “The Heat”, “The Fifth Estate”, and “Man of Steel”) couldn’t even make it onto my Honorable Mentions list. Here are the Worst of the Worst:
1. “PAIN & GAIN”
Michael Bay decided to take a break from robots and direct Mark Wahlberg and a completely miscast Dwayne Johnson as bodybuilder criminals. And this was supposed to be a comedy! From the over-narration, to the slow motion, to the ridiculously goofy plot elements, all-over-the-place tone, pounding soundtrack and even a dog carrying a severed toe, this is one of the most disjointed films I’ve ever seen.
2. “GROWN UPS 2″
Adam Sandler’s painfully unfunny sequel to the 2010 hit could easily have been #1. There are tons of cameos (including Shaq and a urinating deer), loads of bathroom jokes and offensive one-liners, and some of the most embarrassing performances of the year – particularly from Steve Buscemi and “Twilight”‘s Taylor Lautner. Sandler and his buddies probably had a ball making it, but I cringed watching it.
3. “R.I.P.D.”
Jeff Bridges combined Rooster Cogburn (“True Grit”) and Bad Blake (“Crazy Heart”) for his role as giant, hideously-disgusting “deado” hunter Roy, and he adds an unintentionally ridiculous accent. Kevin Bacon simply goes through the motions, and Ryan Reynolds is his usual bland self (he was more effective in two animated movies this year – “The Croods” and “Turbo”). This was an awful and misguided “Men in Black” rip-off.
4. “THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES”
The first of several tween/teen book series adaptations to make the list stars Lily Collins (“Mirror Mirror”) in a very cheesy “Twilight” knock-off complete with a love triangle, boring special effects, and the return of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (where’s he been?)
5. “RIDDICK”
Two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Vin Diesel, some dark, blood-bath fighting sequences, way too much dialogue, and a CGI K-9. Let me make that point again: The dog wasn’t even real!
6. “WALKING WITH DINOSAURS”
The dinos’ mouths didn’t move and yet they wouldn’t shut up!
7. “THE HOST”
The best scene in this Stephanie Meyer “Twilight” wannabe was when two guys committed suicide by crashing their truck into a wall. They were the only characters the audience could relate to.
8. “THE WOLF OF WALL STREET”
This Stock Market “Goodfellas” went absolutely NOWHERE. Hopefully director Martin Scorsese learned a lesson: Never try to copy one of the all-time masters – even when it’s yourself.
9. “ENDER’S GAME”
Ultimately, it’s ruined by the weirdest final scene of the year, but it was pretty bad even before that.
10. “AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY”
Meryl Streep is top-notch, but who wants to go to the movies and watch unlikeable characters fighting, yelling, screaming, and cursing at each other for two hours. That’s what reality TV is for.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
“HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS” – When a film’s best feature is the makeup, you’ve got a problem.
“THE LONE RANGER” – Johnny Depp as Tonto? No wonder Jerry Bruckheimer and the Mouse House parted ways.
“PACIFIC RIM” – The action scenes are quite dark. Seriously, I couldn’t see a thing.
“PARANOIA” – Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman got paid to be in it. I had to pay to see it. Doesn’t seem fair.
“PERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERS” – Still haven’t figured out why this was made.