Argh, me Mateys! I’m about to tell you the story of a story that never should have been told, about a film that never should have been made (at least not this way). Ahoy! – it’s Official: the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise has been sunk, by a tale called “On Stranger Tides”.
It’s been four long years since the last “Pirates” movie – “At World’s End”. A lot of people thought that was going to be it for the series, and it was for Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom. But with Johnny Depp back as Captain Jack Sparrow and Disney, Jerry Bruckheimer and most of the crew from the other films still on board, why not head-out on another “Pirates” voyage?
This time Captain Jack, along with everybody else, is in search of the legendary Fountain of Youth. Penelope Cruz takes over for Knightly as the female lead. She plays Jack’s former and maybe current love interest, Angelica, who also happens to be the daughter of Blackbeard the Pirate, played by Ian McShane. Cruz adds nothing to the cast. She was pregnant at the time the film was shot which may be why she seems so bored and her character is so uninteresting. And the addition of Blackbeard simply adds anotherone-dimensional villain to the plot.
And then there’s Geoffrey Rush, fresh-off his Oscar-nominated performance in “The King’s Speech”, reprising his role as Barbossa. He and Jack, you may remember, are enemies. But this time they may work together to try to beat Blackbeard and his crew, and a group of Spaniards, to the Fountain.
“On Stranger Tides” is a strange film: It’s a pirate movie, but very little action happens on pirates ships (the Black Pearl is stuck in a bottle). In fact, there’s very little action at all. The film is 2-hours and 20-minutes of Sparrow getting in and out of trouble, some very dull dialogue and scenes of characters walking and walking. We waited four years for this?!
Director Rob Marshall may be partly to blame. His previous films include “Chicago” and “Nine”. Maybe a musical number would have livened things up here. (“Yo ho, ho – a pirates life for me!”) But it’s the script writers who really should be made to walk the plank. One of the things you can always expect from a
“Pirates of the Caribbean” movie is some great lines from Depp. But Captain Jack has no funny or clever things to say this time. In fact, the entire movie lacks the wit and charm of the first three.
But it does have mermaids. But don’t expect them to be anything like Disney’s famous mermaid – Ariel. These are killer vampire mermaids, which might be a good title for a straight-to-DVD horror movie, but they make no sense here. And there’s a puzzling cameo as well that ends-up simply being distracting.
“On Stranger Tides” is rated PG-13 for the swashbuckling action violence and some suggestive mermaid nudity. Like the others in the series, this is being marketed as a kids film but I can’t recommend itfor kids, teens, or adults. If you enjoyed the other “Pirates” films you’re going to want to see it, but chances are you’ll leave the theater believing you got robbed of the precious treasure you used to buy your ticket.
On “The Official Kid Critic Report Card“, “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” gets a D. It is clearly one of the most disappointing films of 2011.
Apparently the script for “Pirates 5” has already been completed, but Depp says he wants to wait awhile before starting production. That sounds like a wise choice. After “On Stranger Tides” Depp may want to sail away from the franchise for good.