It’s Alive, and it’s Awful. “I, Frankenstein” is the perfect example of a “let’s bury it in January” film. From the cheesy visuals, to the lifeless performances, to some of the weirdest action sequences ever put on screen, this truly is a horror movie, as in “horr-ific”.
Written and directed by Stuart Beattie (who’s contributed on all the “Pirates of the Caribbean” installments, including 2016’s “Dead Men Tell No Tales”), “I, Frankenstein” is already a lock for many Worst Movies of 2014 lists – and may contend for #1 on the strength of its title alone. Aaron Eckhart takes-on the iconic monster in this adaptation of a graphic novel. So much for an Original Screenplay Oscar nomination.
“I” begins with a “Frankenstein” back-story, not completely true to the Mary Shelley classic: In the 1790s, mad scientist Victor Frankenstein creates a creature out of parts of dead people and brings it to life. He then tries to destroy his creation (after not giving it the partner it desires). But the monster takes revenge by killing Victor’s new wife. Victor attempts to find and kill the monster, but freezes to death instead. A group of gargoyles take Frankenstein in, re-naming him (no longer “it”) Adam, and some evil demons soon get involved. Yes, believe it or not, the gargoyles are the good guys here.
Some 200 years later (claiming he “lost track of time”), Adam-Stein returns to modern-day England, where a pair of scientists (one blond, one wacky) are trying to duplicate Victor Frankenstein’s success in bringing the dead back to life. When their paths cross with Frankie, the demons and the gargoyles get into the act, and literally all Hell breaks loose.
There’s not much to praise about “I, Frankenstein”, except that it’s mercifully short (only 90 minutes). I laughed a little, thanks to the unintentionally corny dialogue and cheap effects. But this movie’s not campy enough to qualify as a guilty pleasure. And at times it’s simply agony watching Eckhart trying to portray the agony of this legendary character. The filmmakers didn’t even attempt to make him look like the Frankenstein monster, who’s supposedly the combination of body parts from 8 different corpses. We simply get Aaron Eckhart’s face and body with a few faint scars painted on him.
Yvonne Strahovski (TV’s “Chuck”) gives a frighteningly bad performance as Terra, the good scientist, love-interest (and potential “Bride”?) for Adam. And Bill Nighy gets the award for the most blank stares in a single film. I’m sure he had even more when he attended the premiere.
The action scenes are noticeably tame and very low-tech, with plenty of fake flames hiding the stabbings and slicings. This allowed the film to get a PG-13 rating, which the studio must’ve thought was a good idea, but a more graphically violent version may have been the only thing that could have prevented “I Frankenstein” from dying at the box office, which it undoubtedly will. The end credits feature a decent song, as well as a special thanks for Shelley – talk about turning over in your grave.
On The Official LCJ Report Card, “I, Frankenstein” gets a D.