I was worried going into “Battleship” for a couple of reasons: 1) It looked a lot like “Transformers” and 2) How in the world can anyone make a two-hour movie based on a very simple board game? Well, Universal and Hasbro have done it, and the result is an incredibly bad film that sinks to new lows in the sci-fi action genre.
Taylor Kitsch (star of the year’s biggest bomb so far – “John Carter”) plays Alex Hopper, who’s forced to join the Navy by his older brother because he’s got nothing else going for him – no job, no money, no life. But somehow he’s able to get a girlfriend who looks like a supermodel (because she’s played by Sports Illustrated swimsuit covergirl Brooklyn Decker, who’s acting career is off to a rough start). Liam Neeson plays the Navy Admiral – Alex’s boss. Alex is about to get kicked-out of the Navy when, during the annual Naval war-games taking place in the waters off Hawaii, the Earth is attacked by – what else – Aliens, who are here to destroy us and take-over the planet.
Why? We never learn that, but my best guess is because the writers couldn’t come up with anything else. So, inevitably, Alex and the others have to rise to the occasion and, against all odds, defeat the aliens.
If the game “Battleship” had as many problems as this movie does it would be banned from every toy store in the country. First of all, when I go to an action film, I want a scene to grab my attention right away, not have to sit through 30-minutes of formulaic set-up. But that’s exactly what we get here. And then when the aliens finally do arrive, there’s nothing new. We’ve seen these spaceships and special effects before, and done much better, in several other films. The lighter moments aren’t funny and the serious scenes are laughable. And director Peter Berg gives us may too many extreme close-ups and slow-motion sequences.
But what’s worse (if you can imagine it) is the amazingly corny dialogue. Notable lines include: “We’re all gonna die…but NOT TODAY”; “I Got a Bad Feeling About This”; “They’re not gonna sink this Battleship”; and this memorable exchange: “I can’t do this. Well if you can’t – who can?” Even for a mindless action movie this is ridiculous. As for the performances: Kitsch and Decker are painfully dull, but in their defense they’ve got nothing to work with here. Pop singer Rihanna makes her acting debut and get third billing. That says about all you need to know about the rest of the cast. The good news for Liam Neeson fans is that he’s barely in the film (and that’s good news for him as well).
I will say I like the way “Battleship” does honor it’s namesake. There’s one scene in particular where the good guys are trying to sink the aliens ships using latitude and longitude points, the way you do in the game. That was kinda fun. And there are a few other subtle touches.
“Battleship” is rated PG-13 for some action/violence, language, and weird looking aliens. It’s appropriate for kids 12 and up.
On The Official LCJ Report Card, “Battleship” gets a D. As I mentioned earlier I was concerned about “Battleship” being too similar to “Transformers”.
But trust me, this makes the three “Transformers” films look
like “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy.
I looks as if Kitsch will have starred in TWO of the year’s biggest bombs. He may want to think about blowing-up the contract he has with his agent. The filmmakers do have one thing to brag about: “Battleship” does have the longest end credits “Easter Egg” scene in movie history. And it sets-up…here’s a surprise…a sequel, which, thankfully, will never be made.